I only ask of you 3 things. That you may never steal, lie or cheat. But if you must steal, steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, lie with me every night of my existence. And if you must cheat, then cheat death, for I can’t imagine living my life without you.
I always love the month of December. It’s when winter starts kicking in, and I am freezing my ass off in SoCal. But I love it nonetheless. To think I lived over five years in Oregon and I would have some tolerance for the cold. I guess not. I wondered how I would have survived up there for college if I had the opportunity to go. Layers on layers on layers.
I can’t believe I am turning 20 in a matter of days. No excuses left, I’m entering the twenties. I feel small - I haven’t found my place in the world yet. I haven’t discovered what talents I have, what career I want to pursue, what life I want to live. I have been a drifting soul for too long. I miss the certainty that I once took for granted. But that’s the beautiful thing of growing up. You rise and you fall until you find the perfect medium. What the fuck am I saying.
This is my last week of the semester. Next week will be finals, and the winter break commences. I can’t wait. I will be free from needless worries, anxieties, and personal conflicts. I’m very excited to see everyone again. I’m excited to eat hot pot and have our annual dinner. I’m excited to hug them and hear their stories. I don’t have a lot to share that comes to mind, but it’ll be nice to hear the familiar voices I nearly grew up with the past ten years.
I think one of the best feelings in the world is making someone’s day or night. I just love buying sweets or little things that reminds me of the other individual and giving it to them. It feels better than buying it for myself. It makes me happy that they are happy. I love you guys.
Beanies are in; I am in love with them. I am in love with leggings, I am in love with legwarmers. I love winter wear, sweaters, cardigans and circle scarves. I’m thankful that my shopping haul was not done alone. For the past month, Tracy and I have been shopping crazy. My online purchases have been digging a hole into my wallet, but I am almost always satisfied with my purchases. It makes me happy. Not to fear, not everything is for me. A lot of these purchases are also Christmas gifts! I think this year, I spent the most.
I can’t wait to finish finals, I can’t wait for Disneyland, I can’t wait for spontaneous adventures and beautiful lights, I can’t wait for Christmas, I can’t wait for San Francisco trip, I can’t wait for the winter reunion with my friends, I can’t wait to hang out with my twin!
What are the chances you’d ever meet someone like that? he wondered. Someone you could love forever, someone who would forever love you back? And what did you do when that person was born half a world away? The math seemed impossible.
Someday you’ll find the right person, and you’ll learn to have a lot more confidence in yourself. That’s what I think. So don’t settle for anything less. In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount
I go through phases. Somedays I feel like the person I’m supposed to be, and then somedays, I turn into no one at all. There is both me and my silhouette. I hope that on the days you find me and all I am are darkened lines, you still are willing to be near me.
I want to forget everything you told me. I want to wash away how uncertain you made me. How scared I was of losing you. How I lost you anyway. I don’t want to know how your hands feel or what makes you smile. I don’t want to see you in photos, familiar like a dream I had once or a book I never finished. I don’t want to speak about you in snippets or think about how I behaved. Or know that I still think about it. Or know that you’re not just a lamp or a blade of grass, indistinguishable from the rest.
I want to be someone who walks the streets with the hands in their pockets, smiling at people. I want to go to a little café on my own and read a book. I want to take photos of strangers I meet. I want to sit in the park and write poems about the leaves changing the way we do. I want to watch raindrops falling and children playing. Even if it only lasts for a minute, I want to be the reason for someone’s eyes to light up. I don’t have to be someone important; I just want to be someone. Instead, I’ll keep on sitting at my window, spinning stories in my head and reminding myself how to breathe right.